Rantings of a New Yorker

Because the Nerve.com‘s version is built on crappy flash, here’s the text version for you to read and enjoy.  These are all from the book, The  Quotable Douchebag by Margaret McGuire.

“The feathered [hair] cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation. This is a work in progress, and as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.”

– John Mayer (1977-), American musician, on his ’80s haircut

“[My hair] creates this Tarzanesque, likeable bad-boy image. It says, ‘I am a wild child. I will take you on a Harley ride, then make passionate love to you. And should you be attacked by a lion or an idiot at a bar, I will protect you.’”

– Bret Michaels (1963-), American singer and reality TV personality

“I believe the camera photographs your aura, and it also photographs your heart. And I cast Baywatch that way. I wanted to play around with the format, really tear it to pieces and shake it up. For example, if Mitch saves someone from drowning, and that person then goes out and releases a virus that kills a million people. Imagine the moral implications of that.”

– David Hasselhoff (1952-), American actor

“There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me.”

– David Hasselhoff (1952-), American actor

“I think the Jews need me right now.”

– Geraldo Rivera (1943-), American journalist and talk showhost describing his decision to embrace his Jewish heritage

“Bad weather is like rape. If it’s inevitable, just relax and enjoy it.”

- Clayton Williams (1931-), Republican candidate for governor of Texas in 1990

“I’m aware, as a sane person, that I’m not the best-looking guy in the world. I’m aware of it. But when I go into a party, I will walk out with your girlfriend.”

- Gene Simmons (1949-), Israeli-American rock star

“I stopped painting in 1990 at the peak of my success just to deny people my beautiful paintings; and I did it out of spite.”

- Vincent Gallo (1961-), Italian-American actor, director, and producer

“All men shall be my slaves! All women shall succumb to my charms! All mankind shall grovel at my feet and not know why!”

- L. Ron Hubbard (1911-1986), American sci-fi novelist and founder of Scientology, as quoted by former Scientologist Margery Wakefield

“These are the prettiest witnesses we have had in a long time. I imagine you are all married. If not, you could be if you wanted to be.”

- Strom Thurmond (1902-2003), Republican senator from South Carolina, to a group of feminists testifying before the Senate

“Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he’s nice but you don’t take him seriously. That’s Canada.”

- Tucker Carlson (1969-), American news correspondent and political commentator

“I went down to [Latin America] to find out from them and [learn] their views. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries.”

- Ronald Reagan (1911-2004), president of the United States

“My greatest competition is, well, me… I’m the Ali of today. I’m the Marvin Gaye of today. I’m the Bob Marley of today. I’m the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realise that now.”

- Robert Sylvester Kelly, AKA R. Kelly (1967-), American rapper and R&B singer

“Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.”

- Robert Sylvester Kelly, AKA R. Kelly (1967-), American rapper and R&B singer

“I love music, and music loves me back. We’re kind of married, and I’m pregnant by music.”

- Robert Sylvester Kelly, AKA R. Kelly (1967-), American rapper and R&B singer

“Slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back; I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark.”

- Rush Limbaugh (1951-), American radio host and political commentator

“I don’t like any female comedians. A woman doing comedy doesn’t offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.”

- Jerry Lewis (1926-), American comedian

“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

- Arnold Schwarzenegger (1947-), Austrian-American body builder, actor, and politician

“I’m the Hiroshima of love.”

- Sylvester Stallone (1946-), American actor

“My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties.”

- Warren Beatty (1937-), American actor

“I’m the commander – see, I don’t need to explain – I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president.”

- George W. Bush (1946-), president of the United States

“Inbreeding is how we get championship horses.”

- Carl Gunter (1938-1999), Democratic representative from Louisiana, explaining why he opposed a 1990 anti-abortion bill that allowed abortion in cases of incest

“I really opened myself up in [my new film] JCVD. I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are. It was like being naked – I would love to be naked in front of you.”

- Jean Claude Van Damme (1960-), Belgian martial artist, to Newsweeks‘ Sarah Ball, in what was supposed to be a formal interview

“It’s semi-frustrating when your name actually becomes a synonym for douchebag.”

- Peter Wentz (1979-), American musician