Rantings of a New Yorker

After all the hoopla, Casino Royale turns out to be an utterly disappointing Bond movie. We heard for months about how great Daniel Craig was in the role and how sexy he is in a skimpy bathing suit. Now, while it’s nice to see Bond half naked, if being sexy is the best you can say about Bond, then there is trouble in spyland. Casino Royale has made quite a tidy profit and I suspect it’s because it is a Bond movie and was the only decent thing to see besides the dreadful, child movie, Happy Feet. Adults needed to see something, so they went to see the latest incarnation of Bond.

The reasons that Casino Royale is not a good Bond movie are:

Where Have All the Chicks Gone?

We all love the opening credits to the Bond movies. There are always sillouettes of women doing various things that are highly sexually suggestible. There was none of this in Casino Royale. Instead, we got to see people being killed with card suits (diamonds, clubs, spades, and hearts) and many shots of Daniel Craig. This let you know right away that Casino Royale was not going to be a sexy, witty movie, but a very violent movie. That’s too much of a departure from forty years of precedent.

Bond Doesn’t Sleep With the Girl

Okay, I know he didn’t sleep with Solange because he had to rush right out and catch a flight to Miami to kill her husband but, when he left, my first thought was, “WTF?” It still strikes me as odd that Bond starts something he doesn’t finish with a girl. Bond ALWAYS finds time for the ladies. Of course, by the time he got back, the other bad guys had whacked her and left her in a hammock.

Bond Has No Chemistry With the Ladies

Sure, with Solange, he was trying to seduce her to get information about her scummy husband, but there was still no chemistry. It was all, “oh kiss me and roll over, talk a little, kiss again, roll over” etc. etc. For the first time, I felt like Bond was gay that he didn’t really want to have sex with a pretty lady.

Vesper Lynd also had no chemistry with Bond. Oh, here, walk in to the poker game. Kiss Bond on cheek, go sit and get a drink. No chemistry. Nothing. At no time while Bond was with her did I ever feel like they wanted each other. It was also painful to hear him say he loved this woman. It was wooden and stilted. I didn’t believe they wanted each other at all. There wasn’t even a tiny, lusty desire between them.

Bond is also not a lovey-dovey kind of person. He’s a love ‘em and leave ‘em kind of guy. He wines and dines the ladies and moves on. That’s what we love about Bond. He gets all the ladies, is a cad, and we still love him for it.

Bond Allows Himself to be Tortured

James Bond is who all men want to be. He’s the hero who doesn’t take shit from anyone. He kicks the bad guys’ asses every time. He doesn’t get tortured and he certainly doesn’t take pleasure in being stripped naked and having a knot in a rope whacked into his crotch over and over. Since when was Bond a masochist? Can you imagine Sean Connery or Roger Moore allowing the shit to be kicked out of them?

The Violence is Pleasurable to Bond

Each time Bond beats or kills someone in Casino Royale, he appears to take pleasure in the act he has just committed. Every other Bond movie you can see the expression on Bond’s face that, yes, he had to kill the bad guy but he wasn’t happy about it. And Bond was far too emotional in Casino Royale. After all this time, Bond shouldn’t have to have M tell him over and over how to do his job.

Daniel Craig Doesn’t Have That Bond Charisma

Sure, he’s a capable actor, and I’ve seen far worse actors in my life, but he’s missing that special something that makes one Bond. There’s no twinkle in his eye as he’s seducing the ladies. There’s no charm in his voice. There’s no, “I know you’re a dog and you’re going to have sex with me and leave me or I’ll die in the next scene, but I don’t care because you are so damned cool,” coming from the women in the movie.

Where The Hell is Q?

Technically, he’s R now, or, as I call him, John Cleese. When Bond finally got his car, I thought, “Excellent, here come the gadgets.” I was sorely disappointed. Instead, I got a defibrillator and got to see Bond flip the car to avoid running over the stupid Vesper Lynd. What the hell happened to the gadgets we have come to know and love?

No Moneypenny

Yes, I caught the cheesy, stupid, line about Vesper being in charge of all the money and the pennies. Hearing that was like listening to nails scrape down a chalkboard. I really missed the sexual innuendo via the banter that Moneypenny and James had. It was fun and amusing.

Too Much Poker

Was it really necessary to spend nearly forty minutes on the poker tournament? It was slow paced and boring. Besides, Bond plays baccarat, not poker.

You could have taken this movie and changed its main character to John Smith, secret agent, and you’d have a perfectly fine action movie. I miss the panache, the wit, the charm of Bond. The movie was far too long, clocking in at 144 minutes. There were so many unnecessary scenes and long scenes. There was far too much wasted time on the poker and Vesper being in love with Bond. It was boring and flat.

I didn’t feel this bad after seeing George Lazenby and Timothy Dalton in the Bond role. This is also the first time where I felt I wasted my money by going to see a Bond movie. Casino Royale did try to stay faithful to the book and the “I’m in love” crap was in the book but, the books are far different from the on-screen Bond. It doesn’t fit and was a huge turn off. Next time, I’m either going to the $2 theater to see it, download it, or just give it a pass.